


Just Breathe

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-20
Updated: 2011-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You're really going to walk away from the opportunity to kill me? The thought doesn’t get you even a little excited?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, sometimes when you’re off minding your business, crazy shit like this pops into your mind. You push it away, maybe it even scares you a little bit, but then you remember that sometimes crazy shit is interesting too. Or someone reminds you that it is.

Everyone had a dark side. He knew that, he’d known that for a long time. It made him think long and hard after these “sessions”. It made it hard to look in the mirror and play games with his son. It made him quiet around his teammates. It made him think of Unsubs and fear.

Yet, it turned him on. Dear God help him, it turned him on. She didn’t turn him on; she actually disgusted him, which might have helped this turn him in. He felt the life leave her, he heard her gasp and watched her pupils dilate, eyes close, and come open again. And at that last moment, when he was blacking out and coming like a geyser, he hated himself for hoping that she didn’t come back this time.

Quivering, feeling the demon burst out of him in the form of an orgasm, Aaron Hotchner cried out and rolled off her. He hardly let his body hit the mattress before he was out of the bed. She hadn’t been nice enough this time to let him undress properly; his clothes were scattered on the floor. He began to gather them, going to her closet for one of her late husband’s shirt to replace the one she abused. The idea of wearing another man’s clothing, another man she probably did this with, made him sick. A wicked grin came to his face when he thought, _no, I'm the only man who does this to her_. He wasn’t smiling because he liked it…he had no idea why he was smiling actually.

As he put on his boxers and tee shirt, Hotch checked on her. She was still out. He wanted to check her pulse; that woman better not be dead. How the hell was he going to explain that? He wasn’t, he was going to clean up every trace of himself and get the fuck out of there. One thing about being in law enforcement, he knew what they would be looking for. And they wouldn’t find it if Aaron Hotchner had any say in the matter.

Erin Strauss gasped loudly, sitting straight up as if coming back from the dead.

“One of these days this will go terribly wrong.” Hotch said in a deadpan tone. He was sitting in the chair putting on his shoes.

She turned and looked at him. Her smile was pleasant; he knew she enjoyed this and that was awful.

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?” She asked.

“This has got to stop.” He said.

“It stops when I say it stops.”

“Or when I squeeze a little too hard.”

“Sometimes I wish you had it in you, Aaron, but the truth of the matter is that you do not.”

“I wonder how those you seek to control and please would feel if they knew you got your jollies by being fucked and choked.” He mused.

“They would pour me a scotch and ask me to tell them all about it. I think you might be the last Boy Scout on the planet. That’s why you're my favorite.”

“All good things must come to an end, Erin.” He stood and started buttoning his shirt. No, it wasn’t his shirt. It was…shit, he didn’t even remember her late husband’s name. Hotch had to conceal his chuckle thinking about Morgan and Prentiss joking that she had killed him because he didn’t fit into her plan for world domination. Then he frowned. Prentiss; she would never smile again if she knew anything about this. “I'm done.”

“What makes you think you get a say?” Erin got up from bed, grabbing his shirt and doing a lousy job of covering her nudity since there were only about two buttons left on it.

“I have no idea but I do, and I'm done.” Hotch went to the door. “Have a great day.”

“How do you think Emily Prentiss will feel when she finds out how you’ve been spending your Wednesday afternoons? What do you tell your team, Hotch, about your absences? I know they ask; profilers are curious that way.”

“The only conversations we have about you end in laughter.” He replied honestly. “You do what you need to…I’ll deal with the consequences.”

Hotch didn’t give a damn anymore. If there was one thing Strauss was about it was self-preservation. She would do nothing that would end in her being thrown from her throne and run out town on a rail. If that meant Hotch was also safe, even by default, then that’s the way it would be.

“I’ll tell her.” Erin said. “I’ll tell her because she’ll never tell another soul. She’ll keep it inside until her soul turns dark and sad and no matter what the light will never return. She’s tragically beautiful that way. I almost picked her just to watch it happen. She’s much feistier than you, despite everything. Emily would have been a conquest, the best, but I wouldn’t have been able to conceal the scars she’d have left on me.”

“You're evil.”

“I'm a realist, Aaron. You like the way she looks at you, don’t you? You think about fucking her, touching her, owning her…c’mon, be honest with yourself at least. You don’t have to answer; I already know. She will never look at you that way again once she knows about us. Words never have to be spoken…it'll destroy you both.”

“It’s a risk I'm willing to take.” Hotch said. That was a lie but what choice did he have. He wasn’t going to fuck her again. Choke her, maybe, but fuck her…no way. As hard as he thought about it, and Hotch had trouble thinking about it too much, he had no idea how he got to this place. How does anyone become a hostage?

“Is that so?”

“Absolutely,” He held up his cell phone. “Do you want to call Prentiss or shall I? Tell her Erin, I don’t give a damn, but this is the last time.”

“I’ll see you next Wednesday,” She replied. “Don’t be late.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

“You're really going to walk away from the opportunity to kill me? The thought doesn’t get you even a little excited?”

Dammit, it really did. When he felt the life draining from her, it was a power trip. An awful power trip but no less of one. The first few times, she’d grabbed his wrists while he was doing it, as if she changed her mind. That got Hotch more excited, and he would squeeze tighter. In the beginning, he kept his eyes closed, didn’t want to see it. Lately, it was all that gave him satisfaction. Even as fierce as the climax was, nothing beautiful was attached to it.

“Watch me walk away.”

He grabbed his suit jacket and walked out of the bedroom. She followed, looking at him over the banister as he made his way down the winding staircase. Hotch looked back at her and her smile was almost sweet. He knew the venom was under there and his stomach was in knots as he thought about the consequences of his insolence. Freedom was the only thing he cared about at the moment. Freedom was mere steps away at the front door.

The autumn rain hit him hard as he dashed off the front porch and to his waiting SUV in the driveway. As usual, Hotch’s eyes darted around to look for witnesses but this upper crust Silver Spring neighborhood was quiet in the mid-afternoon. He started the car as he turned his cell phone back on and sped away. Only when he was nearly a mile down the road did he allow his foot to ease up on the gas pedal.

The phone was beeping and Hotch put in his Bluetooth to listen to his voicemail messages. When he heard her voice, it caused him to pause. He had to pull over, he could hardly move anymore.

‘ _Hey. I know Wednesday afternoons are your time away and I'm not trying…Hotch I just want to help. Something is wrong, I know it, and I want to help. Maybe the time away does help but if you want to talk you know you can come to me. No strings attached, there never have been and never will be. I've watched you change and so has everyone else. We’re concerned; I'm concerned. Whatever’s happening you don’t have to keep it all inside_.’

She hung up without saying goodbye. He thought of her face as she made the phone call, the concern, and her beautiful dark eyes. If she ever found out…dammit. It wasn’t about the two of them being together, that was never going to be. Hotch had his reasons, most of them ridiculous but still his.

Who walked away from love? Who walked away from the arms of love and into the dragon’s clutches? Who in their right mind did that with eyes wide open? Was making himself into a martyr, doing this for Emily’s emotional well-being more than not doing so he could have her, was that rational? Was it possible that he really did enjoy what he had been doing with Erin Strauss?

No, no, no, it wasn’t that. No matter what it was never going to be that. It was over. He was out and whatever happened, happened. He may not ever get what he desired but be damned if Erin did. There was no turning back now; Hotch couldn’t let her win because he had too much to lose.

***


End file.
